Really upset with myself.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm really extremely upset with myself right now. I was 199lbs Fri and Saturday but then on Saturday I stupidly became a pig of myself and ate waaaaaaay too much junk. First at a 6 yr olds birthday party and then at a pig roast that same evening.
I gained all that weight back overnight Sat and Sunday woke up to being 205lbs all over again. My first mini goal weight was to be 190 lbs by my b-day which is Sat this week well I guess that isn't going to happen now.
Nice one Tara.... Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday too. I grr every time that comes along.

I really could care less about my birthday. Not like I ever do anything special or ever have a party. And it's not like many people really care either so why should I? Seriously it's just another day and a day I just want to spend in bed. I miss my mama something fierce right now. Knowing This year will be the first year I do not hear my phone ring to pick it up and hear her singing happy birthday to me or telling me about the day I was born and how I decided to come 6 weeks early and how I was 6lbs 8 ounces at birth.

Seriously well if I can't meet this mini goal I hope and pray I meet my mini goal of 180 by Sept 15. That would've been mama's 58th Birthday

Why can't it be as easy for me to lose weight as it is for others? Why must my metabolism be so stupid slow.. Why can't I lose in the double digits like my friends seem to be able to.. All I want to do is scream. Mostly at myself.. I have disappointed myself.

Come on Tara you can do this stop this crappy thinking and start getting motivated again and get out there walking/jogging and clean your darn aprt already. It's time to step it up and keep stepping it up and it's gonna start by walking up the darn eagle's nest again

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TARAFROMONT 8/11/2010 10:18PM

Thank-you so much. Report Inappropriate Comment

MICKI2010 8/11/2010 8:23PM

I gain WT like that all the time. You may weigh intomorrow and be back down again. You made a mistake and ate too much, it is going to happen from time to time. Just pick yourself back up and keep going!!! You should do something special for your birthday, that is what your mom would want. Do something to honor herand the fact that you miss her. Just have a good day that is all about YOU, that is what she would want. Report Inappropriate Comment

GUNNARSMOMMY 8/10/2010 6:57PM

It sounds like you know what you did "wrong" but all your efforts are not lost. Look at where you started and where you are now, you have made great strides. Take it easy on yourself, pick yourself back up and move forward, don't look back, you cannot change what was, you can only change what will be. Happy Birthday early. You are beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Report Inappropriate Comment

Health and other stuff

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I am feeling really blah right now.. I lost my pedometer today while I was out and about and I can not afford to get another one. GRRRR just not fair but then I know life isn't LOL.

Anyway I went to the drs today and I think I've found out why I'm now always so tired. Apparently the past couple times I've been to the drs my blood pressure has been low. I only found this out because I asked for water pills to help with my water retention and the dr said he can't put me on them because my blood pressure is low and that water pills lower your blood pressure also and he didn't want me to end up getting dizzy and passing out or nothing like that. However he did give me a prescription for my acid reflux problem Finally. Which I'm supposed to take half an hr before I eat breakfast in the mornings. I also prefer my scale over the drs scale LOL cause the scale at the drs says I weigh more LOL. I have no clue why my blood pressure would be low though that has me befuddled LOL. But it was low also when I was visiting in the states and checked it using my BFF's blood pressure wrist cuff..

I also was given some vitamin samples that will hopefully last me a month or 2. I have been getting really bad leg muscle spasms lately and my bones everywhere legs, arms back everywhere has just been really aching. So they gave me some vitamins at the drs because I can't afford them. They are figuring I'm low on Calcium which I am pretty sure I am and other things also which is causing this problem.. SO I have a Calcium with Vitamin D to take as well as a Centrum vitamin I took them tonight.

It's done a lot of storming today off and on so I've been unable to walk but then I'm also not feeling motivated today either. All I want to do is sleep and my eye sight has been a tiny bit blurry grrrr.

I really haven't been in the mood to even eat meals either today but I have been forcing myself to eat small ones with tiny tiny snacks between and I must admit I really haven't drank the amount of water I should be drinking these past 2 days either..

I am getting impatient to with this being single thing.. I keep praying though. I really do want a family of my own. I want to fall in love I want to be loved. I want someone honest and respectful and loving. Some one caring who will love me for me. Someone whom I will be able to start a family with. I really do want to be a mom too. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen or if any man will ever love me. On POF they seem to just read and delete or just delete messages without reading
them. But I must keep reminding myself that if they dont' want me FAT they can't have me at all.
I'm also getting sick of being in the obese range and am hoping that soon I will get out of it.

I still want to be 190 by my b-day but now that's starting to look very unreachable LOL. I will keep praying and listing my thank-you lists and gratitude lists and my do haves and continue to keep my eyes away from my don't haves.

I will also continue to pray for my siblings who rarely ever talks to me. I do miss them and love them and always will..

On the praise side of things, I finally have a bible study I can attend on Mondays. We are doing a study on David and then Tues a breaking free study by Beth Moore. Although I can't afford the book for the Breaking free but I am taking notes and thankfully Monday you don't need one. And This past Sunday I got compliments on how much better I look now. Unfortunately I can't see it unless I put a picture of me from when I was a higher weight beside the me now LOL.. Which I took a pic to do just that on the Sunday evening and put it up just Tues night after I edited that pic and a pic of me when I was 220 beside it I put it up into facebook pics and there is a mighty difference for sure.

Either way I am doing what I know needs to be done. I also know I need to clean house and not just where I live but as in my body my mind and spirit too. I have begun to declutter my aprt it's becoming stressful and overwhelming because I have so much and there is so much I know I'll have to get rid of. Going through the last box of mama's is the hardest. So emotional. I still do miss her a lot.

Well that's it for now and I hope whoever reads this is having a great week..

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKI2010 7/22/2010 7:23PM

If your BP is low already you definitely don't want to go on meds. I was on water pills for a while and my BP went so low, when I was at the gym I felt like I would pass out. Other times in the day I felt weak and in a daze. They lowered the dose and it worked for a while, but I then became allergic to every one they make. With a little exercise and elevating my feet, it has kept it in check. Don't worry about all the other stuff, good things will happen for you when you least expect it. Stop looking for love and it will find you when the time is right. Just keep on your program, head up and work on yourself right now!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

Goals

Friday, July 16, 2010

Now that I have achieved my goal of losing the 25 lbs I had gained back before I went on Vacation to S.C I have my new goal in place.. I started walking and eating less (although not healthy lol) in the beginning of March but I wasn't really all that determined to lose weight and had gotten to 205 which I was only for about a week or 2 before I gained it all back again when I left for vacation at my BFF's Place in S.C.

So now that 25lbs is finally gone and that was my first mini goal. To lose those 25 lbs I had gained back so now that I am back at 205 lbs although still obese how I hate that word.. Anyway now that I'm back at 205 lbs my new goal is to get to the 100lb zone. Now I really do want to be 190 lbs by my 29th Birthday in August. I am trying to lose at least 5 lbs a week if I can do that I can reach this goal.

I lost 3 lbs this week not the 5 I hoped for but it's still good enough for me.. I have a drs apt next week and will be telling him I want water pills and hoping if he gives them to me then I will lose all this water retention weight too. However much that is LOL. But I need my feet and hands and knees and all that to completely stop swelling.. And also someone told me water retention if severe enough can cause headaches that never go away so that may be my problem there too. Since I've had this blasted headache for 2 yrs now and have had to learn to live with it.

So that's my next goal to get to 190lbs by my b-day. I know that's doable if I work hard enough.

I have added jogging of course into my walking time although I only jog about 6 times during my walk and only for 2 minutes for right now. But just the walking isn't cutting it anymore. My body has gotten used to it I believe so time to step it up a bit. I have literally maxed myself out when it comes to exercising to the point that now when I go out to walk/jog I get so hot I actually get to feeling cold.. And I am getting pains in my side now. I know the jogging adds the pains in my chest because my lungs are not used to it and I have asthma.

I am only eating serving sizes and I have kinda slipped on my diet a few times. Yesterday was one of those times and I ate waaaaaay to much sugary stuff but my body seems to be craving sugar like no tomorrow for some odd reason and I gave in to that craving yesterday.

I'm drinking tons of water but what's really strange is I'm not peeing enough. I'm drinking like 12 to 16 glasses of water a day because it's hot and humid and I do need the water and am always thirsty LOL but unless I drink sugary stuff like juice or soda I don't pee a lot.. So kinda strange but I'll deal with it. I guess my body is opposites lol. Always has been so I shouldn't be surprised there.

Anyway I'm really grateful for the progress I've done so far. I only got determined and right into losing weight and eating healthy and portion sizes in June sometime after my BFF began her weight loss journey I realized just how important eating healthy was and knew that I had to do just that too and not just cut down how much I ate and only did walking.. So I am truly grateful my BFF helped me in that way..

Well that's all I have to say sorry for the long blog

  

What will it take?

Thursday, July 08, 2010

I am still stuck at 210lbs. I see people losing 4 or 5 lbs every week without even trying and me I'm stuck. I haven't lost even a lb in 2 weeks no matter how much I seem to try to lose it. I've tried everything. Even started jogging a few minutes at a time in my walking. Regardless of my asthma and the heat and humidity Lately LOL.

I wanted to be out of being obese by August which is my birthday but now I don't see that happening. Everyone else makes this look so easy. I am getting frustrated. Yes I am drinking tons of water yes I am eating the way I should be or trying to anyway on this budget that I have.

Above everything people don't seem to see incl my family just how much I am hurting right now nor do they care.. I miss my mama so much and just wish I could hear her voice and hear her say Tara you can do this.. Tara I love you. I want to feel her arms around me and I know that is me being a big baby.. Grandma passed yesterday morning at a good age of 93. I love her so. I am glad I got to see her last when I was 24 about 5 yrs ago almost now.

I don't understand why a few days ago I started thinking about mama and wanting her again. Everything was going so well until Monday..... I will not be a baby because I am strong.. I AM A SURVIVOR. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT I WILL I MUST. AS LONG AS I KEEP USING GOD I WILL LOSE IT BUT I MUST LOSE AT LEAST A LB BY TOMORROW FOR MY WEIGH IN. Ya I know it won't happen.

What more can I do??

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??? I'M EATING HEALTHY, EXERCISING, DOING THE MUST THINGS AND YET STILL NOTHING SO WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TARAFROMONT 7/15/2010 10:25PM

Thanks Micki and I wrote this about 2 weeks ago. I'm off the plateau and now 205 lbs but weigh in isn't until tomorrow Report Inappropriate Comment

MICKI2010 7/15/2010 7:29PM

Tara, just try to stay strong. You helped me out last wk. and I will give you the same advice to just stick w/ it and you will see the changes. It sounds like you have a lot of stress in life right now and that affects you body in horrible ways. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and your mom. All I can say is that they would want you to be your happiest so just try to remember that and keep going. Report Inappropriate Comment

CYCLINGSANDY 7/8/2010 12:36PM

Don't give up! The pounds will drop as you take in less calories and burn more too. Check out if you are trqacking your calories right. Try not to focus on the pounds and start building a stronger body. Strength training or circuit training indoors can burn calories and give you a strong body. Sandy Report Inappropriate Comment

Didn't do well this week at all and woman stuff at end.

Friday, July 02, 2010

This week I didn't do too well. I didn't pick the right foods to eat or ate too much. Especially yesterday Canada day ugh. It is just eating isn't enjoyable anymore considering I'm only eating salads and sandwiches mostly LOL I did buy grapes and bananas and yogurt for snacks again this week..

But so when my friend invited me over for dinner 2 days in a row and there was good food I couldn't say no. I ate Steak and Ribs and rice and spinach salad and other stuff too.

But I also know this is going to be a new week and I can start again. I didn't gain any weight so that is good. But I didn't lose any either and somehow gained inches in everything.

So now to get back on track eating salads again and all that and I was told that whole wheat bread is no different then white and to buy the multigrain stuff so I will do that Monday.

I am also going to see if I can afford to buy raw cinnamon capsules and if I can get them at the bulk store called nans. To see if I can buy those. I was told to take one of those with Breakfast and one with Dinner and it would help me to lose weight too so sounds like a good idea to me specially considering it's herbal. I will check it out Tues or something like that.

I've added jogging/running into my walking routine when I walk alone although I can not jog/run for long because of my asthma but I did start taking my inhalers at the beginning of June finally so that's a good thing. I am still using my dumbbells for my arms and doing small exercises although I really don't like the hanging skin LOL.

All in all I've lost only 20lbs since beginning of May but it's still progress and I am starting to look a bit better I just hope I'm out of obese section come end of this month I want to be much thinner by my 29th b-day in August.

I've decided to take 1 day for resting as I wasn't doing that before and was told that could be why I reached a plateau so early on. So now I will take Sat or Sat and Sunday off for resting up. As guilty as I feel when I don't do anything..

My fear though since I started all this I've yet to have my period I skipped the whole month of June. Now I've been told by friends that it's normal when I change everything but a month? And it's July now and still nothing. UGH.. so it's got me a bit concerned.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICHELLENRGZED 7/2/2010 10:01PM

Don't panic about not yet having your monthly. Yeah, it's now July, but it's just the beginning of July. As one of your friends said, it's normal for your cycle to change when you're changing your life like you are. Enjoy your victories & keep on doing as well as you are. Progress may seem slow to you, but there are changes brewing, & you have lost weight. You even said in this entry that you're looking better, & that's good. :) Yeah, it's great to eat salads & multigrain bread & all, but don't forget to get in your protein as well in some way. That'll help with energy. About your asthma & not being able to run/jog far because of it - asthma usually improves the more a person exercises & the greater lung capacities become. So think about this & know that your asthma could possibly decrease. That'd be yet another bonus for ya. Keep up the great work! :) Report Inappropriate Comment

LINDABEAR3 7/2/2010 12:01PM

I think you are doing excellent friend. I'm glad to see you're going to pick yourself off and start again. All of us eat things we shouldn't but to just begin again is the right thing. The only thing wrong to eat on your list is probably the ribs but the steak,rice,salad are Ok. I'm eating ribs over the 4th so don't feel bad. I have a friend on spark who's a leader and she says to eat anything you want every two weeks so you are less likely to binge. Just pick a day and two weeks later you can eat to your hearts content. We all have these same issues as you. I'm glad too that you are going to have rest days. Did you know that working muscles is actually tearing them so thats why they hurt sometimes and why your body needs time to heal. I learned that on the doctors. Keep up the good work!! I also take cinnamon for my diabetes, it helps with blood sugars Comment edited on: 7/2/2010 12:03:18 PM Report Inappropriate Comment