Saturday, May 12, 2012
Ever do something and afterwards want to hide---- but you can't hide - so you try to squish and squiggle behind someone else and blend in with the background, hide in the shadows - so no one will notice?????
Yep that's me in the background there! Now, that being said, I feel better! Back out in the light. Back in February I went out with my daughter on Fat Tuesday. Ever since it has been a battle to get back on this path.
Couple days on, more days off - all justified with my endless reasons. Well it has been about 21 days that I have been back on this path, doing those right things to get me to my goal - but I have not posted on my blog, have not updated my weightloss ticker - because I don't want to face the reality of that bigger number which I want to hide!!!
In my days off the path, I almost found my way back to my starting weight and am now struggling to find my way back to was before this side trip began!
I am a food addict. I use food like people use alcohol or drugs. I hurt myself with food. The very thing that tastes so good for those few seconds turns around and adds pounds on the scale, inches on my body and causes me to dislike myself. The good feelings I get eating last a few minutes at most - but the regret and pain linger for what seems to be eternity. If I have one soda, one slice of pizza, one cookie - I cannot stop until they are gone or I feel stuffed. There is no control. I don't even to pretend to play that game. I have to avoid these things or eat them in a controlled environment.
I see other people having these spectacular results with their weightloss and I feel like I am weak, with no will power or commitment to myself. I know that is not true! Yet I question, if I love myself - why do I continue to do this to myself?
So getting honest here. I am back on the path. My ticker is going to move in the wrong direction. I am going to continue my attempt to move forward in this journey. I am going to continue to make as many right decisions as I can and try not to pulverize myself with the bad decisions I make - but to learn from them and gain strength.
The last three weeks have been pretty amazing. Eating better, getting to the gym, making a commitment to myself and this journey. Not to mention - changing my shopping habits. Pounds are not melting off, it is painstaking .2 ounces at a time. My clothes are not feeling loose or falling off. This is going to be lifetime process. Working on patience and acceptance!
They say if you cannot see yourself there, you will never get there. I see myself there - and am on my way!!!!