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Totally falling apart...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Wow, this week has been a complete whirlwind of bs emotions for me. I have been so down, I just don't know how to get back up again.

Wednesday I cried on and off all day long. Finances, my weight, my relationship, you name it, I cried about it. Don't get me wrong, most of it was my mind exaggerating the problems, but it was still the worst day I've had in a long time.

Thursday wasn't much better. Less tears, but I continued the slump by sitting around watching White Collar on netflix and sleeping. My gf was really worried about me, but she had to work, so she couldn't really do much to help.

Friday, more netflix and sleeping. I barely dragged myself into the kitchen to even eat.

Today was ok, but my mind is still spinning with all this drivel. Why can't I get motivated? I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, but nothing seems to make me really care to do anything about it.

I know the response I'm going to get -
"Have you talked to your doctor?"
"Take it one step at a time."
"Start small."

I have talked to my doctor. My meds are not working, but I'm on the highest dosage of the strongest anti-depressant he can prescribe. My ex gave me the name of another shrink, so I'm going to get another opinion.

As for starting small and taking it one step at a time, I try. Really I do. But my depression and fear are constantly getting the best of me. I don't know how to get around that. I don't know what to do to motivate myself and I don't have many friends around to help. Not that my SP friends aren't supportive, but I mean friends in my locale. My gf does the best she can but she works long hours. She's very supportive of me, trying to eat healthy and urging me to exercise, but when she's not here I just don't do it.

I'm at a complete loss at this point. Totally falling apart and out of control. Just waiting for Monday to get here so I can make an appointment with the other doctor and try to get this depression crap under control.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITCHICK11 6/10/2012 11:34AM

    sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, I have also been there and done that and it sucks to feel stuck in such a rut. There are no easy answers, all I can offer is to tell you what's helped me because there have been times that I just want to fall apart and not try anymore, stay in bed all xanaxed out all day, but a few times I have forced myself to just get out, go outside, take a walk, go window shopping or people watching, just enjoy silence and focus on my breathing and let it pass. Sometimes I just focus on a time when I was happy and that gets me through anxiety I sometimes get. Anyways, that's helped me a few times, and I hope you feel better soon.

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POOKASLUAGH 6/10/2012 10:12AM

    I don't really have any advice for you Erin. I just wanted to send you hugs. :(

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/10/2012 9:36AM

    Very hard to follow up after all of the good info 1STATEOFDENIAL gave you. I was going to suggest that you were too overloaded on your dosage, as was my daughter-in-law, for you to be pulled out of the spiral you are on. She was weaned off of the stronger dosage and then placed on a new one a couple of times before the right combo of meds were found. Hang in there, Erin. It's not easy, but you are worth fighting for. Don't stop fighting. Look into the advice you've been given and if it isn't the right answer for you...keep searching. Never give up, baby girl...never!

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ANEWME3536 6/10/2012 5:45AM

    Wow, thank you for being so candid about your own struggles. I've never heard of DBT before, but I will look into it. I do journal but I've never really gone back and sorted out everything. It's a good idea for sure. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

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1STATEOFDENIAL 6/10/2012 2:00AM

    Stress begets stress. It's clearly eating you apart. You're spending the energy you could use to combat the problems on worrying about the problems. The more you put off doing anything the worse it gets because the more time you have to worry which then exhausts you and makes you put it off even longer. I've been there and done that.

You said your doctor has you on the highest dose of anti-depressants... perhaps that's part of the problem. Of course you can't just stop the medication, but it's important to know that in some people the medication makes depression and anxiety even worse - even debilitating. That's what happened to me. I was overdosed on anti-depressants by a doctor who couldn't understand that "I don't feel right' might mean I shouldn't be on the meds. I was in such a deep depression and was losing my will to live. By stopping it my body reset itself and I feel so much better. Of course, I've had to learn how to deal with my depression and anxiety on my own, and that's been a 2 year process, but I wasn't capable of getting better while on those meds. So I'm not saying to just stop your meds (trust me, that's seriously dangerous) but maybe you should ask your doctor about changing or stopping your meds and dealing with your depression/anxiety/etc in a different way. After all, a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Try something new and see if it helps.

I also suggest looking into DBT - dialectic behavior therapy. It is good for treating several mental health issues, and helps us learn how to recognize and use our emotions instead of letting them damage our ability to function. I'm not sure if it will help in your case, but It's worth you doing a little research on it.

Another suggestion I have is to write down your feelings and emotions in a private journal. Write down every thought and emotion with as much detail as you can. Writing it down gets it out of your head and allows you to shine a light on what's real and what's exaggeration. Once you've written it down, then you can try to separate what the real issues are from the exaggerations (for instance one for me is that because people have called me ugly to bully me so while part of me knows I'm not I'll always have to fight that thought). Once you've separated out what are the important issues, then you can start to figure out how to handle them. For instance, for your finances you can take an inventory of your income and your bills and come up with a budget. Then instead of worrying about something like "what if I go broke" you can spend your energy on "how can I earn more and/or spend less" and start to change things for the better.

Depression is a difficult condition, as it feeds on itself. But it can be changed! I've been depressed for most of my life (I even went into a self-destruction mode for a few years), but I figured out how to change it and even though my life is a mess between uncureable medical conditions and absolutely no income, little support from my family, and few friends I've now decided to spend my energy on figuring out HOW to deal with these issues instead of letting them destroy me. It's a long process and takes some comittment to change, but it's worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Best wishes on figuring it out. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

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