Thursday, June 21, 2012
there has been a whole lot of stress lately in my life, the loss of a job, uncertainty at home and decisions to make. I havent been paying that much attention to the whole weight loss thing, i know i weigh in and one week i will be 238 the next 221 then right back up to 240 the following week. i dont know how to stablize it. My doctor has put me on something, it makes me increadibly thirsty, i mean like two gallons of water a day, and no appetite at all. i feel like complete crap (another word fit better but it flagged as profanity) somedays im too busy to eat other days im to hungry not to eat everything in sight, i dont know how to balance myself out.
I sit here and remember how good i felt when i had lost all of that weight, and was down to almost 210. i felt invincible. And i dont feel like i will be able to get back there anytime soon.
My insecurity about my weight is now affecting all aspects of my life, including my love life and relationship.i dont know how to change it or stop it. i despise feeling this way. Something has to change, but i dont know how or what. i feel at a loss.
one of my friends is suppose to be giving me her treadmill, hopefully she will be dropping it off today cause i think if i can start doing 30-60min every night like i used to that maybe i can get back into my routine and start on the healthy track again.
i got an iphone and downloaded all of my usual apps sparkpeople and sparkrecipes, and several others. i was ashamed to realize that it had been months since i had used the sparkpeople app (i had it on my android before i switched to the iphone)
i even downloaded the c25k app, but havent used that on in over a year so i dont know why i even bothered.
i am in such a low funk i dont really know how to pull myself out. my body is tired, my mind is exhausted, my stomach hurts.omg even my ankles were swollen as can be the other day!!!! ive never had issues like that. i am ready to trade me in for a new one, i even have been considering surgery, like tummy tucks and liposuction. but i would never be able to afford anything like that. im so tired of being up and down back and forth. im so tired of seeing pictures of myself and thinkin "oh my god do i really look like that?!?!?!?!"
i need to be outta this depressing ditch quick fast and in a hurry it jus feels like im stuck and sinking fast.........