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Dealing with non-supportive people/saboteurs. |
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ANARIE
is the moderator for this forum.
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Dear WinniePie, I think your response is wonderful. There is no sense in attacking your loved ones - because they think they are showing affection - even if they don't know they are actually sabotaging your weight control efforts. One thing that we all need to keep in mind: Just because we have decided to take control of our eating and our weight control does not mean the rest of the world is coming along for the ride!!! The issue of food and amounts is nothing short of an addiction. Our addictions are up to each one of us. Either we deal with our addictions or they kill us. The choice is as simple as that. Food is the most addictive subtance I can think of - it is legal and relatively cheap - what is NOT to LIKE!?!?!? Good luck to all, Lee Tipton
| current weight: 253.0 |
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Hello Everyone!!! It is a pleasure to meet all of you - even if it is just chatting on here!!! JennC & Awaiting1, May I please chime in here? I was married to my first husband for 25 years until his death in 1997. His parents were from Arkansas and their way of showing love was and is feeding anyone they care about as you walk through the door. They mean no harm - but it is harmful. My mom in law (who just turned 84) helped take care of my son (their 1st grandchild by their only son) and he paid a heavy price for that care. When he wanted food - they gave it to him. He battles his weight to this day - and he just turned 35. My twin daughters on the other hand were minded by their dad until he passed away. We did not feed them until they asked for food - they were thin all the way through high school. They are almost 30 now and have started to add on pounds - but they are both conscious of it and work on themselves. Isn't it kinda mind boggling how things work in families? They mean no harm - but yet they change our lives in the most inconspicuous ways. I know it is up to me to say "No thank you" now - and those are powerful words. And like my in laws - I mean no harm to anyone else. If they get offended - that is on them - not me. Thanks for letting me talk, Lee Tipton
| current weight: 253.0 |
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JENNCS2288 I know what you went through... When you eating with them, the only way you can stay on a diet is bring a meal that you can eat or invite them to your home and show them how a healthy tasty meal is suppose to be. Question are they overweight? My inlaws were not and they had height advantage. I'm only 5' on my good days and they were almost 6'.
The Lord is my pilot, I shall not drift
He lighteth me across the dark waters;
He steereth me in the deep channels.
He keepeth my log.
He guideth me by the star of holiness for his namesake.
Yea though I sail mid the thunders and tempests of life,
I shall dread not danger, for thou art near me .
Thy love and care, they shelter me.
Thou preparest a harbor before me in the homeland of eternity.
Thou anointest the waves with oil, my ship rideth calmly
| Pounds lost: 131.2 |
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Hi TIPTONITS! You have got it exactly right!  Margaret ps. Great advice, SUNNYE3!!!! Ignore those who do not offer support, whisper a prayer and go on about your business! This is about getting healthy so you can live long and strong! 
Edited by: HUNNNYBEE at: 8/5/2010 (10:56)
| Pounds lost: 6.0 |
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I have recently come to the opinion that "real" friends do not sabotage us. "Real" friends do NOT do things for themselves and then make statements about "doing us a favor". A "favor" in their eyes is teaching us a lesson - as if they were perfect and we need to strive to be like them more. Give me a break! There was only one perfect Man that ever walked this earth - He died for our sins and He gives me strength daily to walk this walk that I am walking. I may have to work with these people - but they are NOT my friends. My friends and loved ones support me and do not try to sabotage my efforts. If they get off on the wrong track - they do not try to force me to join them. That is the difference between true friends and pretentious people.
| current weight: 253.0 |
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I think it is so easy not to think about it. If you inhale all your food on account of the saboteurs, then you will not be thinking clearly before you actually eat all of it. This has been a habit of mine. Now my mantra to help me with the saboteurs is mind over matter. What am I trying to accomplish? Remember my goal.....well basically talk to myself.
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water! Eleanor Roosevelt You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' Eleanor Roosevelt images.meez.com/user/3/8/7/2/0/5/6/3
/38720563_bodyshot_300x400.gif
| Pounds lost: 5.0 |
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My mom and mother-inlaw were the ones that were very negative. First I was told I was over weight... then they would make comments that hurt even more. They were not going to prepare any different meals because I was on a diet. They are both gone now and I wish I could have handled my feelings better. I didn't stay on a diet long because of the hurt. There is no real way of dealing with it. You either get angry, cry or take it out on those who really care. My poor husband was the target many times.
Edited by: AWAITING1 at: 8/4/2010 (22:15)
The Lord is my pilot, I shall not drift
He lighteth me across the dark waters;
He steereth me in the deep channels.
He keepeth my log.
He guideth me by the star of holiness for his namesake.
Yea though I sail mid the thunders and tempests of life,
I shall dread not danger, for thou art near me .
Thy love and care, they shelter me.
Thou preparest a harbor before me in the homeland of eternity.
Thou anointest the waves with oil, my ship rideth calmly
| Pounds lost: 131.2 |
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Gogoshire, You are right - as a person of a healthy weight you are an accepted target of criticism re "healthy eating". Clearly the person who targeted you was feeling guilty about eating the cake himself and wanted validation... Susan
"...the best way to increase your self-esteem is to actively and effectively engage in something that is both good for you and consistent with your expressed goals..." - Dean Anderson, SP expert
| current weight: 184.0 |
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Sadly there always seem to be a few of these people in our lives. In my opinion, people such as these become all to used to us being a certain way, looking a certain way, and appear to not want us to change. I doubt most of them think more of it than that. I've delt with many of these types in the past. However, as I am sick, my health and loosing weight has become all too important, and I can not stay in my current eating lifestyle. I have had these same people try to get me off my good eating plan, and this time it's just not working. I've found, sometimes you just have to be brutal. Walk away from them, ignore them, or if worse comes to worse, cut them out of your life. It took a long time for me to realize and accept that anyone in my life who wants and will encourage me to be unhealthy, is not a healthy person to be around. To me, loosing weight, and being healthy again is about regaining self confidence. (I don't know if we all feel that way, it's just what it is for me.)However, if I had to give advice, I would say, have a heart-to-heart with those people. If they are dismissive of your needs, you have to ask yourself why are they in your life to begin with? Why do they need you to be overweight so bad? But, that's my opinion.
| current weight: 171.0 |
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HunnyBee, Thanks for the excellent sugestion that's exactly the problem I have. LOL, Mary
| Pounds lost: 28.4 |
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I've been overweight all of my life, but my ex used me for nice dinners out, trips, gifts, etc., and I was dumb enough to fall for it. He was a saboteur; he would encourage me to eat rich, salty foods, and he was an incredibly picky eater who valued fried foods. I was so desperate to please him, we would often end up eating junk. I am now lucky enough to be dating someone who shares similar food interests, and who is thankfully more health-conscious than I am. We had mushroom and garlic chicken last night with steamed broccoli and carrots. That would never fly with my ex. But, I think it's a good idea to make sure you and your mate are compatible there before you start out...and if you change, you're going to have to realize that you can't expect him to change with you. Cook your own meals and encourage him to cook his if he isn't willing to accomodate your food interests. Figure out ways that you can turn unhealthy foods you enjoy into ones that are better for your health (by using lower-calorie ingredients, etc.). Remind your beau/family and friends that although you are losing weight, you will still be the same person and you appreciate how much they are supporting you/helping you. If they aren't supporting you, hearing those words may encourage them to start.
| Pounds lost: 4.8 |
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I've been really focused on clean eating for a few years, and I don't eat anything made with white flour. All my friends know this. This Sunday, I was over celebrating my friends' kid's bday, and they made a great dinner for the guests and they are really accommodating of me - I was given a vegetarian meal instead of the ribs everyone else ate. No problem, plus I always bring a dish to share - something I can eat. But then came dessert. They had baked Alaska, and there's so much in there that I don't eat, so I politely said, "No thank, I'm really stuffed!" rather than 'I don't eat cake with white flour (or cake in general), etc." But my friend (a guy) went off on me, taunting me, announcing to the table of 12 that I'm "on a diet" (not true) and I always deprive myself (not true), then went on to say that life's too short to pass up cake, and then finally ending with telling me that I was being rude for not taking some cake. He said it jokingly, but it went on for a good 5 minutes, about 4 minutes too long. The bday girl, newly 17, joined in the chorus - "Yeah, you're rude if you won't eat my bday cake." Soon, the whole table was calling me rude for not eating like them. I think if I were overweight, it might have been easier and they would not have called me rude, but I'm not, so it seemed fair game to them as I have no obvious (to them) physical reason to not eat dessert. I felt horrible. But not horrible enough to be guilted into putting food in my body it doesn't want or need. I just smiled and acted like it was a joke. None of them are overweight, but they all know my stance on clean eating and they think the concept of organic is bogus and a rip-off. And that's fine with me - I'd never try to convert anyone to my way of thinking, but sheesh! If someone doesn't want dessert and is polite about it, don't cajole them.
When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
- Lao Tzu
http://stkittsreefs.blogspot.com
| current weight: 121.0 |
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When I was losing my 150 pounds I had one friend who was really bad at trying to get me off plan. It was funny because she wasn't overweight or anything. She'd order extra food at restaurants, bring me cookies she had made and make fun of me if I said no to certain foods. Sadly, we lost our friendship of 15 years. She always said it wasn't due to my weight but I wasn't so sure.
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Hi Shannabelle, SO well said! I am going to save this post of yours to motivate me when I'm thinking I cannot stand up to the temptations! Thanks! Margaret
| Pounds lost: 6.0 |
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I grew up with a mother who would warn us that what we ate would catch up with us later, too, and it did, big time. We kids didn't take her seriously when she would say this because kids have a hard time visualizing the effects the present has on the future, nor is it easy to say no when around other kids eating and doing the same thing. A better method would be to tell your kids, "No matter how much you weigh now, if you aren't eating right and exercising--you aren't healthy." Make it about the present. And more importantly, living life well balanced is a better lesson than the super healthy or super junk food extreme way of life. Explain that if you eat a healthy meal and exercise, having chips with friends or pizza a couple times a weak isn't such a big deal. It's all about the balance, not extremes. Now for the most important part. AT ANY AGE a child can spot a hypocrite a mile away. Live what you preach and your kids will most likely listen to you better. No kid is going to do something their parents are saying to do if the parents themselves aren't practicing what they preach. It is easier to say no to a mom who says "Turn off the tv and go outside and get some exercise" than it is to say no to a mom who says, "I'm going for a walk, I would love it if you would come join me. I've noticed lately how much you enjoy this BLANK "show/book/movie/game/song". It's new to me, but I would love to hear all about it and why you think it is so awesome." And if they walk with you, let them talk while you just listen non-judgmentally--do not use the children as shrinks to get things that are bothering you off your chest, or take it as a time to lecture them. It should be about the revitalizing experience, fresh air and companionship, and not about the stress of tense family dynamics already in play. It may take a while before anyone says yes to your invitations though, so be prepared to go on your own for a while. If/when they do join you, and start to get into this "a healthier me" track, tempt them some more with things that are both fun and healthy--martial arts is great for both sexes at any age because kids love to feel empowered--especially in a world where they feel powerless. And, as an added bonus, they can defend themselves against any unwanted physical attacks in life, as well as learning some self-discipline and self-mastery to boot. As for your Mother; feel free to explain to her that if fat is all she can see when she looks at you, she is under no obligation to stay and continue to hurt her eyes by looking at your extra flesh. She is no longer needed to tie your shoes or help you with your homework. Her job title is now to exhault your triumphs with you and comfort you and empathise with your losses. Any cruel or self-esteem lowering commentary is neither appreciated nor tolerated anymore, thank you very much. Remind her that you love her and need her in your life, but as a positive support system only. Tell her that you are more than happy to help her become such an integral part of your goals for a healthier self, by explaining to her which statements hurt your feelings and should no longer be used, verses supportive comments you are longing to hear from her. She can live with this or she will have to spend less time with you. She may or may not change, but if you say nothing, she sure as hell won't. Finally, your husband. I will never ever understand men that criticize their lover's bodies and then expect them to get naked and sexy with them later that night, in a self-abandoned and generous style. It sounds to me that hubby wants a thin thing on his arm to show off to his buddies, but at the same time is afraid that if you lose weight you'll dump his sorry ass for someone better. Or maybe he's afraid of a switch in the power dynamics. His putting you down/not supporting you makes you feel bad about yourself and then he feels better about himself. Which is the essence of my problem with him. He should love you no matter what you look like, ideally, but the issue is not your weight, it is that he is ruining something that is very important to you at this time. I know so many husband's like this and it pisses me off. I don't know you or your husband, but I strongly suggest that you make it quite clear to the ENTIRE family that this is something you are committed to doing--with or without them. They can either join you and be part of your journey, which is what you want, or they can get out of your way and be left in your dust...and then follow through with it. Your struggle may be harder than others because you don't have that home advantage--yet. I think when they see you are following through they will either join you or face up to what the real problems are (maybe he feels embarrassed that while you can reach your goals, he can't reach his, and he wants you to feel crappy about it too, like him--misery loves company.) But if the kids eventually join you--which is more likely to happen than him being the first one, I don't think he'll be far behind. But in any event, there should be a no tolerance policy for crushing people's dreams and progress in any household, for any thing or any reason. We respect and honor, as well as encourage and support those we love, especially in any attempts they may make in order to better themselves or prolong their lives. Another great lesson to teach your kids. More than what you say--your self-respect, the way you conduct yourself, and the way you follow through will have more of an effect on who you will be and who your children will be in the future. If you haven't started yet, better late than never. I will now get off my soap box, my apologies if I insulted anyone or came off too harsh. My tone is only this severe because I really do feel a lot of compassion for what you have to deal with (when I did start to eat well and lose weight, at the tender age of 18, my family sabotaged me so badly, and in so many ways, that over twelve years later I am still suffering from the scars. My mother broke her foot and so she would send me to the bakery to pick up pastries for her--and would scream at me until I went, even though I told her that going into a bakery is just too hard for me. They called me at the gym one night to come home and cook dinner because it was my turn to cook dinner that night and they were hungry. That my younger sister was there and perfectly capable of making dinner herself made no difference--it was my turn (stupidly I had assumed that since I had done it the past two times it was her turn and that I had taken on the added responsibilities of laundry, housework, and shopping I could assume a night off). I had been in school all morning and early afternoon, then at work late afternoon and evening, and now at 8 pm, I dragged myself to the gym. But before I could even exercise, I was called selfish, self-centered, cruel, thoughtless and obnoxious, and was told to come home immediately, that I could go to the gym later (which closed at ten pm). I drove home in a crying rage. My mother does not remember this and refuses to discuss it should I bring it up. My younger sister actually went into my lunch bag, removed, and then hid a head of lettuce from me--angry that I had commandeered it the night before so that I had everything to eat that I had planned to already ready for me. By the time I realized it I was at a Renaissance fair where there was nothing but fried food everywhere. Ten years later she has apologized for it--though she claims she never remembers doing it, and I have to admit I'm still a little pissed about it, since the last time I visited her and told her the special foods I would need to eat for my diabetes, she responded by saying I was too high maintenance and why should she not have cookies and whatnot in the house while I'm there? So what if I have an eating disorder and am fighting for my life--it is too inconvenient to have to think about all my needs for a few weeks out of a year. See what I mean? I GET where you are coming from. I am here, twelve years later, trying again to take control of my life--less healthy than I have ever been, but finally realizing that ANYONE who does not support me in this is not allowed to be near me until I have reached my goal and feel well enough both inside and out to put up with their stupidity and narrow-mindedness--if I wish to.
| Pounds lost: 6.5 |
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Little Angel...WOW...does THAT sound familiar! My husband is an EXCELLENT cook, especially he cooks on the grill in the summertime! He is one of those people who can eat whatever he wants and never gains an ounce. Hmf! But I did something that might work for you. When he cooks ribs, I am ready with marinated boneless, skinless chicken breasts (or fish fillets). I ask him to please grill those too, and he is very gracious (especially when I tell him what a great job he does!) The nice perk about doing this...I have leftover grilled chicken that I can throw into the freezer to save for a day when I can't, or don't want to cook! I also agree with Cocoadiet...unfortunately, sometimes you have to change friends, if they are unwilling to support you. The ones who really love you, will not try to undermine your effort. Margaret
| Pounds lost: 6.0 |
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First was this your decesion to move back in with your Mom or yours? Question #2 is it worth the strain of your relationship with your Mom? Would it be a finacial hardship if you move to your own appartment? I know lots of questions. Your Mother has probaly always eaten like this. If she does'nt have weight issues she probaly always will. Then again I have an overweight daughter that hates vegetables. She choses not to eat them. When she lived with me they were provided she just never would eat certain vegetables. Good luck on whatever you decide. It won't be an easy one. Keep preparing the vegetables. Remember though it is HER HOUSE and you are the guest.
| Pounds lost: 52.0 |
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I was glad to see this topic posted. It is something I have been thinking about. A year and a half ago I stopped eating meat, (still eat fish and dairy) for lent. I am the person in charge of buying groceries and preparing meals at our house. It is really more trouble for me to prepare two meals and make something different for me. I think at first my husband thought it was a fad instead of a life choice. He would make comments like, "I remember when we used to be able to share food." "It was so nice when we were able to eat the same thing." It was as if I had taken some of the romance out of our relationship with my choice. The comments often caught me off guard and made me feel guilty. Now that time has passed the comments still come, but less frequently. No matter where we eat, at home or out, I can find something to fit my chosen lifestyle. In fact there has been a change in the eating habits of my family. They eat far less red meat than they used to. If I make chicken and fish, they have a choice between the two and my husband now says that he will eat the fish and there is no need to make the chicken, too. We eat enchiladas, spaghetti, and lasagna without meat. I just had to wait it out, ignore the comments, and my whole family is making better life choices.
| current weight: 135.5 |
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Totally agree with @cocoadiet and @hunnybee, except in my friend's case it was smoking - she's trying to quit after smoking from the age of 11. People kept trying to get her to smoke - "One won't hurt!" and wouldn't listen when she refuses, so she accepted one, snapped it and threw it away. She hasn't been offered one since.
Appearance is a consequence of fitness
| current weight: 163.0 |
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My problem is more with doubters than saboteurs. My mom is a big doubter. The last time I lost a lot of weight it came off very quickly, this time it's coming off VERY slowly, so I was getting a lot of comments from her when I would express frustration. Her comments were things like I must be cheating, and I must not be getting as much exercise as I say I am. After one of these comments I finally turned to her and said, "You know, you're really not helping. If you can't be supportive I'd appreciate if you just said nothing." She looked like I had slapped her, but she shut up and then later she apologized to me. Like a lot of moms, she wants to fix her kids' problems, so instead of just giving me sympathy when I vent, she tries to step in and 'fix' it, without realizing that she's essentially calling me a liar. My daughter's also a doubter but she's also 7 and has no clue. When I proudly announced that I had lost 10 pounds, she said, "that's IT?" So after that I told her I wouldn't talk about my weight loss efforts anymore and asked her to stop talking about how I'm fat. Both kids see me on the treadmill or doing my DVD workout nearly every day, so they know I'm making the effort.
"Do. . . or do not. There is no try." - Yoda
"Being defeated is often temporary; giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn vos Savant
You will get out of your life exactly what you put into it. Make it a great one!
| Pounds lost: 11.5 |
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